Why Am I Awake?

Restless night. Sleepless night. It’s 1:30 in the morning, and I can’t seem to fall asleep. I need to be awake in 4 hours to catch a flight, and yet my mind refuses to shut down.
Dealing with my restless self is like dealing with an infant who won’t stop crying despite all your efforts, and you just can’t figure out what it wants. The absolute worst.

Why am I so restless? Why is my mind filled with so many things? Why am I feeling so unsettled?

In a conversation with my mom earlier this evening, I realized that I’m falling back into a pattern I unfortunately know too well. I am trusting in myself. I am forgetting about where my trust is supposed to lie. I have Step 2 coming up. I have life-altering decisions to make. I have people demanding my attention. I have distractions pulling my heart every which way. And through all of this I am relying on myself to sort through the mess. No wonder I’m struggling to find peace. No wonder I can’t sleep.

There are so many things I am feeling and wanting to express, but I don’t know how to deal with it. No words seem to suffice. No emotion seems to encompass the struggle inside my heart. And maybe it’s because what is happening isn’t something I can fully understand.

Romans 8 talks about the Holy Spirit making “intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” and how He “helps us in our weaknesses” (v. 26). I can’t put my finger on what is bothering me, but I know I don’t feel right. But the Holy Spirit inside of me knows, and He is ready to intercede on my behalf, if I would just let Him. I am too focused on checking off my boxes and completing all my tasks. I am too dependent on myself that He doesn’t have a chance to speak on my behalf and give me the rest I need.

We all know the classic “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28) and “Cast your burden on the LordAnd He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved” (Psalm 55:22).
But really how easy is it for us to just let go? How many of us are truly willing to lay down our burdens, to cast all our cares on Someone else? When it comes down to it, I like to cling as tight as I can to my burdens because in my own psychotic way I think I have control over them when, in fact, they are controlling me.

It isn’t easy to hand over the reigns, to pass on the torch, to lose “control”. But if we don’t let go, where will we end up? We will be burnt out. We will be anxious and depressed. We will be lost and scared drowning in all the cares we refused to give to the One who can help us be found and refreshed and full of peace.

So I think it’s about time I lose control. How about you?


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