Take Me Off This Roller Coaster

Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward.
For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise

— Hebrews 10:35-36

So I’ve been struggling quite a bit the last few months. The last few months have been filled with doubts and insecurities and disappointments…basically the opposite of confidence and endurance. I have depended so much on myself and on the hope I tried placing in others. So naturally I was let down. Repeatedly.

To be honest, things have really stunk lately. I have been riding an emotional roller coaster — no stability, nauseating, and filled with a lot more downs that ups. And for what? For nothing. I cast away my confidence in God and in His love and care for me, and I tried to depend on myself instead. What did I gain from that? Nothing but heartache. Nothing but misery.

I lost my confidence. I lost my endurance. If I’m really being honest, I lost my faith in God’s grace. No reward. No promise. Only bitterness and hurt. That’s what resulted.

Can anyone else relate to this? Lord, I hope not, but also kind of hope so.

But you know what? I’m done. I’m done trying to do things on my own. I’m done seeking after things that mean nothing if I’m not rooted in Christ to begin with. No more running after nonsense. It’s time to get back to where I need to be, where my soul will finally be at peace once more, where self-doubt will turn into love for who God created me to be.

I hope if you are struggling with self-worth, if you are struggling to find meaning or are just filled with hurt and doubts, that you will join me this Lenten season to throw all that out so we can fill ourselves with the thirst-quenching Living Water.

May we remember that the Holy Spirit is He who is in us. May we remember that we are the Father’s royal children. May we remember that we are the beloved of the Son.

Now is not the time to give up on hope. Now is the time to renew our confidence, to increase our endurance, and to prepare to receive the promises we have been given.


Bitter Is My Heart

Last night was not a good night for me. Regrets and bitterness and brokenness all seemed to catch up to me. I was overwhelmed. I was consumed. I was drowning.

I had been able to keep my head above the waters for so long, but suddenly it seemed I had lost focus, and just as Peter began to drown, so did I. And as Peter cried out to Jesus, “Save me!”, I found myself crying out to my Papa.


The quiet time reading for that day came from Lamentations:

Remember my affliction and roaming,
The wormwood and the gall [bitterness].
My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord.
(Lamentations 3:19-26)

Sometimes our hearts remember the bitterness. Sometimes our souls remember the times we fell and the times we were destitute. Sometimes our souls sink within us.
But we also must also allow ourselves to recall that our God is not just God, but also our Papa, and that He loves us and is faithful and full of compassion.

What is bringing you down? Is it feelings of regret? Feelings of foolishness? Brokenness?
Instead of letting it bring you down, you bring it to the One who is good and who will do only good for you. Be honest. Tell Him you are hurting. Tell Him you are broken. Ask Him, plead with Him, to lift you up and to help your soul seek Him and put your hope in Him. He won’t turn away, trust me.

Never forget that He is merciful and compassionate, and He cares deeply for you.