Justified

The last few months of my life have been an adjustment to say the least. I moved to a different state. I started a new job. Everything I had left behind and was coming back to was different. At one point it seemed that I was “finding myself” as they say. I was trying new things, meeting new people. I was gaining all this life experience that I had no interest in during medical school. But in all this “finding myself” all I found was that I lost my identity. I lost who I was, and I had no idea how to get back.
Over the last few months I have had wonderful, beautiful experiences, but I also got caught up in the whirlwind until I no longer had a leg to stand on. I compromised some of my standards. I made choices that I’m less than proud of. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t just not right with God, but I was all wrong. I felt like I couldn’t even show Him my face. I knew that I had let Him down, but this time was worse than all the others. For the first time I couldn’t even talk with Him as I went about my day. I felt guilty asking Him for favors or sending up a little prayer. I avoided church on my one Sunday off because all I could think was that I didn’t deserve to be there.

All of these notions were wrong.

And He made sure to show me that.

You know how God protects you when you’re in tune with Him? You know that extra guarding you get when you run under His wing? Well, somehow I still felt that protection, even after running away from Him and betraying Him and disappointing Him. He was trying to make it clear that even though I ended up down this weird path that wasn’t consistent with who I am or who He intends for me to be, He wasn’t just going to give up and let me go. He made it abundantly clear that my mistakes don’t discount His love for me, and they don’t erase the fact that I am His daughter.

So finally I started to get the message, and I made my way to church, where I do belong, because I am a sinner. And that’s where He sealed the deal with the message from Acts that day: 

Therefore let it be known to you, brethren, that through this Man is preached to you the forgiveness of sins; and by Him everyone who believes is justified from all things from which you could not be justified by the law of Moses. (13:38-39)

He has justified me through His love and through His blood. Nothing I try to do on my own can do that. No law gives me that. Only the blood and the love of the Savior can justify me, can purify me, can give me redemption, can make me new once more.

I walked into church that day beaten down, broken, ashamed. I walked out ready to be renewed. And with that I ended up in Abouna’s office pouring out my heart, pouring out my shame and my mistakes. And I walked out redeemed. The thoughts of my shortcomings, the images of my sin, the voice in my head telling me I am worthless and terrible were finally gone. All that was left was the knowledge that I truly had been made pure again.


So here I am, once again, in a coffee shop, trying to put into words my experiences with the hope that maybe one person will read my thoughts and realize that you are royalty. Your Father won’t just leave you when you’re down for the count. He didn’t for me, and I guarantee He won’t for you.

Just remember, no matter what you do He could not love you any more or any less.

Take My Heart Rebuild It, My Soul Reignite It

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting [restoring] the soul -Psalm 19:7

How often do I pray and beg for God to restore my soul? How often do I say that I need a change of heart? How about every time I pray the conclusion of every hour–“sanctify my soul”? I say I want all of these things, but when it comes down to it, what am I doing on my end to obtain it?

Like everything else, grace comes from God. In the end, it’s all impossible without God’s grace. And like everything else, there’s a teeny tiny part for me to do as well. This verse is giving me the answer: “the law of the LORD…restoring the soul”. What does this mean to me? The law of God, His statutes, His testimonies, they will enable me to change my soul, to restore it to glory.

This is not just not committing adultery or not lying or stealing. This is the law that should be present in my everyday life–my canon–my spiritual rule. The only way to keep the connection open to receive God’s grace is by carrying out my spiritual rule.
For those of you who have been following me since my old blog, you know I love this topic. For everyone else, or even if you’d like to refresh yourself on what a spiritual rule entails, click here to read more. 

The only way to expect a restoration, a change in the desires of my heart, is by keeping the connection open. After all, isn’t that why nothing could get me down in Kenya? Anytime there was a hint of sadness creeping in, I ran to my Bible, I leaped to my agpeya. Never has my communication with Papa been stronger. The last few months, I’d personally been slack. I blamed it on my boards examination, and although that really isn’t a good excuse, boards are over. God blessed me with this huge revival the last couple weeks, and it’s time to build on it, not sink back into laziness.

So it’s time to make every day a Kenyan day. Once I do this, my words and my heart’s desires will truly be acceptable in the eyes of the Lord:
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer (v. 14).

I will leave you with a link to my good friend’s song inspiring the title of this post: